How to be happy.

I would like to talk about how it is possible to obtain happiness.

However to do this we need to explore why we stay in the same situations, that cause us unhappiness, that make us feel sad, isolated, depressed, all of which can have  profound effect on our mental wellbeing. Why do we repeat the same issues in all our relationships, whether single or in a partnership, why do we not make a difference in our lives?

I believe there are 3 Expectations that will block our way to Happiness

I want to help you to understand how to break free of destructive patterns in your relationships or life when they are not giving you results.

We are all busy, kids, work, family, lots of distractions. I’m going to ask you to take a minute and just sit and be, now think about your intimate relationships past or present. Are they good? Are they  Fun? What is or was missing? Did they or do they fulfill you? Are you happy in or out of them?

Why do we accept less than we want and deserve in our relationships? Well, I believe and my experience tells me we make three fundamental mistakes in our expectations of relationships.

“After all expectations is just another word for a fantasy”.Dr Phil

Finding love

First Expectation:  “Having a partner will make me happy”.

It is not your partner’s role, if you believe another person is going to change your world and that they are going to make happiness happen for you, sadly you will be disappointed. Both of you should complement not complicate your relationships, in other words, your happiness is your responsibility, a partner coming in should enhance that, making you feel like you are amazing.  

So when we meet someone that wonderful, giddy feeling we have is about the newness of meeting a potential life partner, it’s all our hormones kicking in, life is beautiful, it’s an amazing feeling, the flushes of the beginning of a relationship. So why does this not last? Because we may have decided at the start, they have a job that is they are in charge of our happiness that has fail all over it.

An antidote to this Expectation. Start a relationship when you feel good about you, not when you need someone to make you feel good.

It hurts

Second Expectation: “I can’t/won’t be vulnerable, I’ve been hurt before”.

So we believe, this time it’s going to be different. Being with another person is a risk, it is scary, it is wonderful but it is scary. We are inviting this new person or the next new person in to see our most private and intimate parts of our bodies, our lives, maybe even introduce them to our children. Yet we do not trust them, we don’t let them know everything about us, after all they can really hurt us. To allow someone to really know ourselves, requires trust and the ability to be truly vulnerable.

If we are damaged, we enter all our relationships generally  with a hidden  agenda of mistrust, if we mistrust we will struggle  to feel vulnerable, or open and honest, if we guard part of us, we are keeping our partners at arm’s length, and this can create cracks in our relationship, resulting in mistrust from our new partner, we may then create the very thing we are scared of, through jealousy, pushing our partners away, and so we again create what we have had before, broken relationships, and a belief we cannot trust anyone.

Your partner is not responsible for making you secure, that is your job, you cannot give them that job. If we keep trying to hand the role to someone else we will always 100% always fail.

An antidote to this expectation: learning to trust and be vulnerable, has to start with you understanding where and why you feel let down by others.

“This must be love ……..”

Third Expectation: “wanting the eupohria at the begining to stay the same”.

Why do we need that, the beginning of a relationship as I said before is wonderful, loving and intimate, we crave the closeness this gives us, but why?

It is innate in all of us to need a connection to someone, so when we cut ourselves off from others for fear of being hurt, what we are doing is depriving ourselves of feeling loved.

So when we embark on a new relationship it can feel euphoric and all consuming, so when, over time, the relationship begins to fade we begin to panic and all our old insecurities flood back.

So we can start to need sexual intimacy more, this could be confirmation everything is good, or we can become demanding and need to be in our new partners company all the time. Both of these situations are likely to create the fears in you and your partner that this may not be working and you both start to reject the relationship.
Relationships do change over time, but that change should be a new level of deeper understanding and deeper levels of trust, but this change can feel scary.

Antidote to this Expectation: You would have to find out what being in a relationship means for you, are you at peace with yourself? Do you like who you are? In other words have you got a loving stable relationship with yourself? Do you respect yourself? Do you care about how others treat you? Do you drop your standards to meet the criteria set by someone else?

These questions answered honestly should enable to know if you are ready to embark on  the journey to starting a relationship, if you struggle with any of the questions, you will struggle in your relationships.

So there we have it three Expectations we have that could hinder forming strong relationships. Why not give this some thought and consider your past or present relationship. Are these stumbling blocks you recognize? If they aren’t changing it, we can’t change what we don’t see, if we now see it, we can change it.

Published by Mary T Aaron.

My name is Mary and I am a Relationship Counsellor, I am warm, compassionate and offer a safe space to explore your life/relationships/self-etc. I am honest and like to challenge clients to really get to know themselves. I work to enable clients to feel confident. I can help.

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