How can I tell if I need Counselling?
This is an interesting question, because I’m sure lots of us have wondered, why I do the same things? Why does this not work? or why does that always go wrong? why are other people happy? and I’m not, why do their relationships seem to work? and mine always end the same. Or I always feel like I’m looking in at other people’s happiness and fun and mine is always short lived, or goes wrong.
All why Questions.
So I think the answer is simple, but can be difficult to change on our own, and this is where therapy/counselling can play apart.
Let’s look at childhood, and before you all turn off and say “oh here we go, childhood issues” this is less about childhood issues, and everything about childhood perception and understanding.
But we need to understand it because we cannot change what we do not recognise
For instance, if we teach a child to speak French only, then it stands to Reason she/he will speak French as an adult.
That applies to all our childhood experiences, like language, like different kinds of influences, all the explicit overtures we see, smell and touch, but equally the implicit, those that are not obvious, that you don’t recognise as influential but are.
So to begin if we can consider, when we have children, we are raising adults, so what kind of adult did your parent raise?
If we are taught as children that the world is scary, and you cannot go out alone because bad people are out there, you are going to grow up scared of the world, and so venturing into the world, with no skills or tools to manoeuvre it, will or could put you in a dangerous situation and this will reinforce your belief that what you were told is true.
If we are taught to react to something that scares us angrily, then as adults we will react angrily to what scares us.
So for example, if we teach a young child not to climb the stairs, if we tell them every time they try,” no” you will hurt yourself, that child is likely to be very scared around stairs, and as an adult will likely be very scared of stairs, but also scared of anything that feels/seems risky.
But maybe as we are now adults we do not understand why we fear certain things, perhaps we have little childhood memory or Because the teachings where when we were very young.
Ask yourself, what are you scared of now, but do not understand why!
So how does this affect us now? In our relationships, does it answer the Why questions?
Well ask yourself, who did you learn to have a solid, amazing relationship from?
Who taught you, to treat yourself with love, with value, with a moral compass?
How did you learn to love another person, and to value them to care for them?
We learn all this in our childhood, parents, family, movies, books other people, friends.
So now we are grown up, and we have to go out and be the adults our childhood prepared us for.
So if you were made to feel pretty but not very bright, then you will enter the world feeling pretty, but you are likely to struggle on the intellectual level, that doesn’t mean it’s true, it means you were likely taught not to value it, however what do you do when pretty does not matter? What if pretty only mattered in your house but the rest of the world, school, employers, partners want and expect more, you will quickly lose confidence in yourself, you are likely to feel not pretty ‘enough’ so now the one important thing you were told is giving you the least confidence.
Where do you put your value now? Where is your self-confidence and self-esteem now?
If you were taught don’t cry, crying is for babies and softies, you are likely to grow up hiding your feelings, so will perhaps struggle with intimate relationships because you cannot share being vulnerable.
Remember if the only language you know is French, then you are going to speak French, unless you learn another language.
So how does therapy/counselling help?
Well we will explore who you are, we will develop a new relationship with yourself, the above images, Miss Baggage and Mr Baggage, show you, the child in us saying “hey I’m still here” counselling/Therapy will help you to revalue who you are, it will help you to see that if like Mr and Miss Baggage, we take those kind of bags into our relationships we can see how it could go wrong or how indeed it could be amazing.
During Counselling/Therapy we may have to do some shuffling around of your baggage, and replace it with some of the stuff in the good bag.
We will explore what you bring, to all your relationships, friendships, but more importantly what you say to yourself, daily, hourly, minute by minute.
If any of this is slightly familiar, or you recognise any of the behaviours whether you are single, in a relationship, why not give me a call, I offer a free 30 minute consult, so you have nothing to lose, but it could change your life forever.
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