How to be happy.

I would like to talk about how it is possible to obtain happiness.

However to do this we need to explore why we stay in the same situations, that cause us unhappiness, that make us feel sad, isolated, depressed, all of which can have  profound effect on our mental wellbeing. Why do we repeat the same issues in all our relationships, whether single or in a partnership, why do we not make a difference in our lives?

I believe there are 3 Expectations that will block our way to Happiness

I want to help you to understand how to break free of destructive patterns in your relationships or life when they are not giving you results.

We are all busy, kids, work, family, lots of distractions. I’m going to ask you to take a minute and just sit and be, now think about your intimate relationships past or present. Are they good? Are they  Fun? What is or was missing? Did they or do they fulfill you? Are you happy in or out of them?

Why do we accept less than we want and deserve in our relationships? Well, I believe and my experience tells me we make three fundamental mistakes in our expectations of relationships.

“After all expectations is just another word for a fantasy”.Dr Phil

Finding love

First Expectation:  “Having a partner will make me happy”.

It is not your partner’s role, if you believe another person is going to change your world and that they are going to make happiness happen for you, sadly you will be disappointed. Both of you should complement not complicate your relationships, in other words, your happiness is your responsibility, a partner coming in should enhance that, making you feel like you are amazing.  

So when we meet someone that wonderful, giddy feeling we have is about the newness of meeting a potential life partner, it’s all our hormones kicking in, life is beautiful, it’s an amazing feeling, the flushes of the beginning of a relationship. So why does this not last? Because we may have decided at the start, they have a job that is they are in charge of our happiness that has fail all over it.

An antidote to this Expectation. Start a relationship when you feel good about you, not when you need someone to make you feel good.

It hurts

Second Expectation: “I can’t/won’t be vulnerable, I’ve been hurt before”.

So we believe, this time it’s going to be different. Being with another person is a risk, it is scary, it is wonderful but it is scary. We are inviting this new person or the next new person in to see our most private and intimate parts of our bodies, our lives, maybe even introduce them to our children. Yet we do not trust them, we don’t let them know everything about us, after all they can really hurt us. To allow someone to really know ourselves, requires trust and the ability to be truly vulnerable.

If we are damaged, we enter all our relationships generally  with a hidden  agenda of mistrust, if we mistrust we will struggle  to feel vulnerable, or open and honest, if we guard part of us, we are keeping our partners at arm’s length, and this can create cracks in our relationship, resulting in mistrust from our new partner, we may then create the very thing we are scared of, through jealousy, pushing our partners away, and so we again create what we have had before, broken relationships, and a belief we cannot trust anyone.

Your partner is not responsible for making you secure, that is your job, you cannot give them that job. If we keep trying to hand the role to someone else we will always 100% always fail.

An antidote to this expectation: learning to trust and be vulnerable, has to start with you understanding where and why you feel let down by others.

“This must be love ……..”

Third Expectation: “wanting the eupohria at the begining to stay the same”.

Why do we need that, the beginning of a relationship as I said before is wonderful, loving and intimate, we crave the closeness this gives us, but why?

It is innate in all of us to need a connection to someone, so when we cut ourselves off from others for fear of being hurt, what we are doing is depriving ourselves of feeling loved.

So when we embark on a new relationship it can feel euphoric and all consuming, so when, over time, the relationship begins to fade we begin to panic and all our old insecurities flood back.

So we can start to need sexual intimacy more, this could be confirmation everything is good, or we can become demanding and need to be in our new partners company all the time. Both of these situations are likely to create the fears in you and your partner that this may not be working and you both start to reject the relationship.
Relationships do change over time, but that change should be a new level of deeper understanding and deeper levels of trust, but this change can feel scary.

Antidote to this Expectation: You would have to find out what being in a relationship means for you, are you at peace with yourself? Do you like who you are? In other words have you got a loving stable relationship with yourself? Do you respect yourself? Do you care about how others treat you? Do you drop your standards to meet the criteria set by someone else?

These questions answered honestly should enable to know if you are ready to embark on  the journey to starting a relationship, if you struggle with any of the questions, you will struggle in your relationships.

So there we have it three Expectations we have that could hinder forming strong relationships. Why not give this some thought and consider your past or present relationship. Are these stumbling blocks you recognize? If they aren’t changing it, we can’t change what we don’t see, if we now see it, we can change it.

Can you tell if someone will cheat?

YES!!

There are, I believe 3 signs there is a high risk you, or your partner could cheat.

3 Very significant signs that it is a high risk in your relationship. That’s not to say it will apply to everyone, but it could.

The good news is this can be worked on,I have worked successfully with many couples where there has been infidelity, loss of trust.

So lets look through the signs.

So what are the three signs?

1) You met when one or both of you were still in a relationship. If they do it with you they will do it to you.

If we have little regard for someone we are in a relationship with, even if we know this relationship is finished, then to walk away without ending that relationship with compassion and respect could be a character flaw that will indeed remain and resurrect when life gets difficult in the future.

So to argue that “oh it was ending any way” or “we should have finished months ago” does not give us the right or permission to disrespect ourselves, and our previous partner, or more importantly to disrespect that relationship.

2) One or both of you have had affairs in the past. A good indicator of relevant future behavior is relevant past behavior. So if we have already engaged in behavior that we turn outside the relationship we were presently in, we have used that as a way to cope or get through whatever difficulties we were experiencing at that moment, it’s likely unless we know why, that we will use that coping strategy again.

Addictive Behaviours can be an indication.

3) If either of you has a family history of betrayal. Betrayal comes in many forms in an intimate relationship, affairs, gambling, and alcohol or drug abuse to name a few, all these behaviours are behaviours that take us away from the relationship, they create secrets and lies and mistrust, and in my experience trust is the foundation of all our relationships.

So can we change any of the above?

It takes time ……..But you can be Happy again.

Well I believe we can, it is my view and experience that the people who have affairs, it is rarely because they have met the love of their life and had no choice, love wins all, no its my experience we are dealing with someone who has low confidence and low self-respect, they are likely to have a background, childhood of secrets and unknowns.

They are likely to have accepted they have no voice, or little power in their lives and so when things become difficult at home, they may view their partner as the powerful one, and to gain some power, they turn outside the relationship.

They may have learned to be cold hearted and almost mean spirited in their pursuit of having multiple affairs, this is in my experience usually because they have become almost inadequate in forming loving lasting relationships.

I would like to say that people who have affairs or commit any form of infidelity (betrayal) are fully responsible for their behaviour and the hurt they have caused, but we need to acknowledge you cannot change what you don’t know.

So for change to occur, we need to explore why we accept this for ourselves and why we have little regard for ourselves and those we love and care for.

If you suspect this might be an issue for you, or has been in the past ,or feel you need someone to talk to , why not give me a call.

I offer free 30 minute telephone call, so what do you have to lose?

07539738191

or click on the contact button below. I strive to respond within 2 hours unless an emergency.

it could change your life.

Online Counselling, Does it work?

Does Online Counselling work?…….. I will talk about my personal experience, as therapists, we have to have ongoing Personal Counselling.

So I wanted to understand if I am going to offer Online Counselling What It Feels Like to be a client with online Counselling.

So I found my Online Counsellor I was nervous and skeptical at first but what I found going forward with Online Counselling is how relaxed I felt in my own environment.

More Relaxing.

I made myself a coffee got a glass of water, settled myself on my sofa put my heating on put my cushions around me lots of things that made me feel safe and familiar and so I Began my Counselling.

for anybody going to counselling there are lots of anxiety and  that doesn’t change just because you’re a therapist, so I was quite nervous, I was nervous in case it didn’t work, in case I didn’t get to really engage with my therapist, these fears were quickly dispelled  it just felt so relaxed and so warm.

what I found interesting is after I finished I could just sit there in the moment I don’t have to leave the office I didn’t have to rush out anywhere I could just sit and be in my own environment, if I was emotional I could just be emotional, if I was ok I could just be ok, if I wanted to feel angry I could just feel angry, but I was within my own safe environment.

Working Online as a Counselor.

So from this experience I offered Online Counselling  I work with couples and individuals who struggle with relationships, having used Online Therapy, albeit in a small way, with the post within the NHS,  one of my major concerns was, would this Translate over a camera working with a couple as I do relationship work, and it does I work with couples now online I work with individuals online and it does feel more relaxed  clients seem to be more relaxed in their own environment, the couples I can say seem to feel more at ease they don’t have to think about babysitters they don’t have to think about driving here or how it will affect their evening.

Convenient Can take place Anywhere.

Online Counselling can take place anywhere you can be at work you can be on holiday you can be travelling on train it can be anywhere it can me and your home it can be in your bed when you wake up in the morning it can be done at your dining table, it can be in the garden during the summer it can be anywhere you want it to be where you feel safe and you feel comfortable.

 you don’t have to think about parking you don’t have to think about driving you don’t have to think about babysitters you do not have to think about going out in the cold you don’t have to think about fitting it in before you shoot off to work you don’t have to think about fitting in before you can pick the children up.

Relaxing and Calming

but one of the most important things for me with Online Counselling is the processing after,it  is the being able to sit and just be, no driving,  no feeling you  have to box up this emotion now and get on with the rest of your day you can process this immediately you can decide to go and have a hot bath, you can decide to just sit and be emotional, you can decide to go to the gym, go for a run, or go upstairs leisurely getting ready to go to work .

Online Counselling works because you can make it work for you can fit it in with your lifestyle you have more opportunities you have quicker access to Counselling you can go anywhere you can go up and down the country to find a Therapist/Counsellor that suits you, There are lots of different modalities there are lots of different therapists to choose from.

 So for instance if you live in Brentwood where my face to face practice is, you could be confined to just working with therapists in this area, because of work, home, children, and schools. working online  you can work with somebody who is based in Scotland, you can  work with somebody who is based in London, anywhere the choice is yours and I think the more choice you have the better experience you will have with therapy .

For instance my therapist is based in Preston and I chose him for lots of reasons but one of the reasons is I’m a Northern lass,  living in Essex and I want to choose a Northern therapist, ironically the therapist I chose is somebody who comes from Essex just happens to live in Preston.

Online Counselling can be anywhere

Online Counselling is A wonderful Medium.

So what I’m saying is Online Counselling has a massive place given the life Styles we all lead,  and I can honestly say it has proved to be very beneficial for me and for the clients I’m working with.

 if you would like to consider it I offer a free 30-minute full session we could  we could turn this into a 30 minute Skype session and see if it suits you and see if you like how it works so why not give me a call give me a text and see if we can work together.

So here we are valentines is here again.

So here we are valentines is here again. We are single, we choose to be single, or someone chooses it for us. Either way this is one day in the year, it shines a light on us. Restaurants, flower shops, supermarkets all talk about the romance and beauty of being a couple.

 Lots of couples put enormous pressure on themselves to be all and everything to their partners, the world sales for valentines alone is in excess of £1.1bn sales based on 2018 (www.retailgazette.co.uk).

We can see here the pressure to not only celebrate valentines, but also the pressure to feel part of a couple, this can feel lonely and lead to desperate measures to obtain a partner in time for valentines.

This is set to be the busiest weekend for traffic towards dating sites. With people joining rising by 75%.

marytaaron15

If you have skype installed you can select ONLINE therapy The Relationship Hub – Mary T Aaron (MBACP).

So I say fantastic but let’s get our self-dating ready, let’s get ourselves ready by getting to know, why we struggle in the first place.

Why do we have unsuccessful relationships? Why do they always lie/cheat/leave?

Why can’t I be happy? Why does everyone else succeed? Why?

Well, I can answer these questions quickly, there is some good news and some bad news.

Here we go:

The good news it’s nothing to do with “them”, it is everything to do with you.

The bad news it’s nothing to do with “them”, it is everything to do with you.

Why are our divorce rates still so high? Why do couples split up and struggle to stay together?

marytaaron15

If you have skype installed you can select ONLINE therapy The Relationship Hub – Mary T Aaron (MBACP).

 Let’s explore those questions.

So we want to look good, stay healthy so  we decided to go to the gym, start running, swimming, play golf whatever activity we decide to do, we research, try out and find what works for us because then it’s fun it’s not a chore.

 Or we decide I want try socialize more, so we call friends, join a group and nurture these friendships, we have fun, we giggle and we get to know each other.

 So now we feel at peak fitness, or that we have an amazing group of friends, its cold outside, I’m not going to go for cocktails this week, and I’m going to leave the gym till it gets warmer, how long do we think we will stay in peak fitness? Or when will our friends stop inviting us out? Maintaining any kind of relationship takes time, love, care and commitment, whether in the gym or with friends.

Well this it seems is what happens in relationships all the time. And there is no age that we get sensible and know this, I work with young 20 year olds to 50 year married couples. I work with single people who try and try and the same patterns occur in all their relationships, yet they don’t understand why. We fail to see the common denominator, us.

We meet someone, and it’s wonderful and romantic and then we hope per chance this one will be different, and that this time they won’t hurt us, and that this time we will stay together.

 This is where ‘we’ come into it, the choice of making a relationship work is up to us.

marytaaron15

If you have skype installed you can select ONLINE therapy The Relationship Hub – Mary T Aaron (MBACP).

How?

Well, we have to know who we are, we need to understand what we bring to relationships, how we choose a partner? What criteria, explicit or implicitly do we lay out to a potential partner?

 So when we join a dating website, we write so little about who we are and what we want, instead we write from the position of who we want to attract.

So when we say, I’m fun, gentle loving and loyal and friends say I have a good sense of humor, who are you looking to attract? Have you used this before? Does it make you sound like you?

This is where the problem usually lies, we are born with amazing qualities, however time and life situations tend to create dissatisfaction and disbelief in others.

 Yet we continue to search and believe we will find someone, anyone to be our ‘soulmate ’then we are so disappointed when they turn out like all the others. And so we begin the internal dialogue ….again… “They’re all the same, that’s it I’m staying single……until the next time I log on to the dating sites”, and start it all again.

“If you carry the bricks from your previous relationships, you will end up building the same house”

Source Unknown

What if the dissatisfaction and disbelief lays in us? What if we change our relationship with us, could this create happier external relationships?

Our modern day philosopher Alain De Botton says it amazingly,

“What is so frightening is the extent to which we may idealize others when we have such trouble tolerating ourselves”

Source ― Alain de Botton, “Essays in Love”

I’m  here to tell you YES , the best relationship is with you, to see clients who start to care and respect themselves, to start to value themselves, and to loving and assertively show others how amazing they are, is why I love working in relationships.

marytaaron15

If you have skype installed you can select ONLINE therapy The Relationship Hub – Mary T Aaron (MBACP).

So you can have a wonderful time for Valentine, you can decide to have the most loving relationship with YOU 

Happy Valentine YOU

7 steps to change your life

7 steps to change your life

So here it is Christmas around the corner, wow it seems only a short while when we were celebrating New Year 2018, time goes by so fast.

So how did we all do on our New Year resolutions? I didn’t do too well, lose weight and join the gym, which lasted until, February or March.

How many of us say, “Ok when Christmas is over, I’m going to make next year count, it’s going to be totally different next year, surely it can’t be as bad as this year”.

So why does it become the same as last year? Why do we end the year the same?

So if you’re reading this I’m presuming you are frustrated that your year starts off with good intentions, however the little voice in your head says, yeah isn’t gona happen

Well I want you to know it can.

So I want to you to imagine you have bought a piece of property as an investment, it needs work on it but it will give you amazing financial rewards when it’s sold. So what do you do?

Do you sit there? And sit there        or do you get busy. The sooner we fix this property up, the quicker the rewards.

Well that’s the same for us, if we sit and do nothing, nothing is what we will get.

If we want change we have to change what we do.

I believe we can achieve this if we firstly don’t rush things, and if we don’t set expectation so high it’s unachievable. For instance, if we say “right I’m going to get my hair done, buy a new dress, take some pictures for my dating profile, I want to be in a relationship by valentines”.

Let’s go back to the property, would we do that with our property? Would we rush it? And if we did, would we expect a good return? Or would we drop our price? just for a quick sale. Imagine how disappointed we would feel, if we sold out cheap.

Well that’s the same for us. If we rush this, we may and usually do start to lose faith and then we start to drop our standards, for what, a relationships that under those circumstances will not last. We do not want Mr. or Mrs. Right now, we want long lasting Mr. or Mrs. Right.

I believe if we follow 7steps, we can make a difference, and I believe we can be this time next year, saying wow what a year, my world has completely changed.

Again lets go back to the property, we would have to decide how we were going to renovate, what time we could give, this would have to be well thought out, because we are all busy people, work, children, partners or the pursuit of one, life in general just gets in the way, but if we want a good return, we have to do this properly. Well that’s the same if we want our world to change, we have to put the work in. The rewards are phenomenal, I’ve seen it in clients I have worked with.  You simply have to decide, this is my time, now I need a plan to renovate me, and I believe the 7 steps will do that.

Head over to my website anytime to check out the 7 steps resource packs, everything you need to keep on track, it’s all free, my gift to you for Christmas.

So the 7 steps.

 1 COMMITMENT

We have to commit to the process of changing, again as I said earlier if we sit, and sit and expect change we are going to be disappointed, we have to make a commitment to ourselves. Lots of resources available on my website to help with this, downloadable worksheets etc.

 2 PLAN

Nothing good happens without a good plan, what’s the saying “fail to plan, plan to fail “be your own project, I have set a whole page with resources, links, usable downloads to help with this. Head over to my website, all are easy to use. If not set your own plan. Do it weekly or monthly, small steps, big steps are overwhelming. Use the property as an analogy, if you can only see that you want it on the market for a certain price, but you know the kitchen is falling apart, if you do not concentrate on the kitchen, it won’t even get to market.  So plan slowly, remember we have till the end of the year to have made a difference. Check out the plan templates in the resource packs.

 3 YOU ARE THE TARGET

Make you the target of all that you do this year, You have to make you really important to you, that is decide, its time, it’s time for you to have fun, be happy. You know happiness is contagious, if we are happy we attract happy, all around us act happy, so if we are mum, dad, when we are happy our children act happy, so let’s make you the priority it’s not selfish it’s your right and you owe it to yourself.

 4 GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY

Get out of your own way, don’t let yourself give up on you, push past your negative thoughts, even if you feel your head is full of them, try and push through. Again I have lots of resources on my website, click on the link, below. Sometimes life can feel overwhelming and we feel like we are in a fog, self-care and giving yourself permission to be still for a short time while the fog lifts will help.

5 TIME

Please find time for yourself. Lots of people say “ oh I’m to busy,” or “sorry don’t have time for that “ Imagine if you went into your employer and you told them “ sorry I don’t have time to give you to do my job I can only invest say 1 hour a week in the job” I’m sure you know where that conversation would end. Time to invest in you is time well spent. This is the biggest issue for all of us, we are consumed by how little time we have, but if we stopped and actually considered this, we probably have more downtime than we know we just don’t utilize it for us, well now we should.

 6 DAILY DAIRY

This is one of your more important tools, we need to keep a daily diary, of how the day has gone, we don’t need to write copious notes, you can if you want to, if not just bullet points, this will be a reminder of what we have achieved but also it will provide us with insight in to what we could do differently. This is extremely important for our self-reflection, we should be able to see why we feel stressed, what are our triggers, what can we do to change this, so this is very important.

 And finally, and this is the best bit, make it fun. 

 7 FUN.

Please whatever else you do, please make it fun, I will do what I can to help with this, its scientifically proven if we enjoy ourselves  when completing tasks we remember them better and we stay focused, so let’s keep it fun. We are not a chore, we are amazing, let’s have fun getting to know ourselves.

Head over to my website, lots of interactive things going on.  Each of the 7 steps has a folder, with all the resources you should need to keep you on track, remember everything is free so what have you got to lose? Check out my vlog, I will be doing podcasts, lots more vlogs, please don’t be shy, send me an email if you’re struggling with any of the issues I have mentioned. Also contact if you wish to make an appointment remember I also offer online couples and individual therapy.

Website : https://brentwoodcounselling.co.uk/resource/

Call 07539738191

Email: marytaaron@brentwoodcounselling.co.uk

Have the best Christmas, remember the best present is getting unwrapped from now and that you, see you on the website.